Depriving self of sleep is unfair but depriving self from sleep till you drop down unconscious or till you are forced into sedation for the sake of giving into the true defeat sleep is a beautiful effort. It isn't the game plan but at the lack of self-propelling brilliance I may resort to it.

Sometimes I just so honestly wish I wouldn't have to fall for people, so honestly that lack of a proper metaphor makes the wish fairy spur toward me to make me wish I was a fucking rock. but ofcourse i can stop doing that. I'm an artist. I can be the sheath of glistening pyre and a dance of roaring waters. I dislike honesty. It deludes one into believing that such a stable entity exists, to start with, and slaughter me, prefers to stay with them. Honesty is dropping your underwear in front of idk, your mom. When you are 21. Unnecessary and embarrassingly protruding entirely. Honesty is malfunction of brain. Honesty is the fume that ensues after you blindly pour concentrated acid on your imagination. But that is just me. If I ask you out for the sake of it, will you go out with me for the heck of it? like high school minus naive, vulnerable nudity of self. the other self. Nudity is welcomed. I love nude. Not your fat aunt's nude.

Hi five to everyone who is ending the year single. IF you don't decide to go out with me. We'll rest the case here.

How old are we in heaven?
twenty?
twenty-five?

Twenty-three.
Twenty-five is too old.

-Touching Home

May your oblong smile slit your own face as half of it drops backward in a deserved defeat. May your sleepless nights be the trenches you are sliced in. Slow and easy. May you always rot and never die. May you remain the lust of a dead body and crawl of a mindless worm. May your words strangle you inside your throat and your sighs knock you breathless. May your eyeballs drop before your careless step and may your filthy crooked fingers reach out only to masturbate your demons.

Suddenly self-loathing.

Fuck your title

You're all so cruel. drudging under your sense of the "right" thing inflicting numerous slits on the most innocent and pure thing inside you, your desires and dreams, setting them aside like they were just crowding phantoms, paranoid that they'll get you. Fuck your sense of righteousness. fuck your paranoia. fuck night time. serrying around the copse of your mind are your abandoned children, sirs. plugging your ears shut with your fingers wouldn't reverse shit. They're gonna be crying all the time, receding to silent sobs but they get stimulated, they always do. You're never going to have a clear conscience. A bad mix of culture and individuality is your constitution, the personal one. normal relationships are for the television shows, you will never have a normal relationship. You're not capable of one, there I broke your bubble. Next year will take you places you always dreamt of and to beds you never imagined yourself in. river beds. Woman's bed. Peter's bed. I don't have a plan. I never did. herpie I will have to go for fucks sake. Because I belong to my dog to my fishes and soil and food and reptiles and share a place in the bubble nests of foozle and zepplin and I don't need much. Give me a little sex once in a while if you can and I can unload physical reverberations that buzz between my legs. Please always welcome me to your bed and I shall quietly leave the next morning to come back next leap year. But don't chain me in your dreams of the future I'm not capable of. Your ivy dreams and fat lips push be down to the ground I don't belong to. I don't belong to you. but you will always skim out the best of me.

I have a list of things I need and I'm positive not one person gives a fuck. I'll cuss the world for everything it isn't and take my wishlist to my grave, checked on every point.

I'm thinking second tattoo, leather thongs, The Sense of an Ending, Heavier Than Heaven, Amphigory, dolls of Harper Lee and Issac Asimov 20 more books on my other list, oh fuck your lists.
Fuck you

The news

I ate worms for dinner tonight. Well not as much as ate them as accidentally ingested them. About 50 or so boiled to death little bastards, chewed and swallowed. Does that make me paranoid? No. but I am pretty sure I am going to be dreaming my favourite kind of mental rapture. Everything falls in place now. I had always wanted to eat the craziest stuff out there. I haven't achieved much in my grand list of incredible things I've eaten but a frog and now inedible worms have given me the kick. If my heart doesn't fail in my sleep tonight because of whatever deadly shit I have inside me now( yes I did not make myself throw up) I will achieve milestones man. I'm just crazy that way. And other unnecessary ways too. Haaaaaah!

If I live, I'll eat more crazy things, things alive, things dead, things like soap. If I foam to death by this night, I want to say, I never liked you, you and you. I absolutely loved you even when you were such a cold bitch to me, I've eaten my dogs food. fish food also, although I don't remember why I did that. I am your bitch and you can piss in my dead ear all you want now.

So much for a goodbye note.
Fuck.

I'll grind your briny ass

It is only a matter of time before everything you've put your heart into will get fucked up and every little instance of beneficial evolution you started will not only halt, because that way you're being blessed with the ability to fist it at a much better state from the nascent, it is going to degrade which I quite breathingly like to say "fuck up".  To get down to a couple of things, I'm supposed to write down my break downs out here like literally. Don't ask me why our how could that be comforting for a dedicated misanthrope I just feel lighter contributing the world wide web my ounce of shit. I like to talk to my brain-designed listener in maximum loopy statements of my heart's herbal purity and magically (oooh) it helps. I don't live in a colony if many people and those around me are amazingly invisible to me and godblessedly vice versa. It is only appropriate it stays that way for the whole fairness of things. when there are interactions, they are either extremely extremely mundane like drop-a-fucking-rock-on-me mundane, or stroke-causing vain or cold or directionless negotiations which is very disheartening in terms of an eerie sense of human predicament that hits my imaginary nuts. strawberry creamed wafers came to my rescue tonight with the homicide of winter night silence through the musical crunch. I couldn't cook anything because I don't live in my own apartment yet. Yes I'm going to be 21 in less than a month and I live with my parents. Suck my ball so what?! I'm completely digressing from my tooshi here. I'm changing my url right way for some personal reasons. If you are able to see this then there is a possibility of large part that you happened to tumble down here and we will keep it that way. Who am I kidding, the beauty of this place is that you are not fucking reading it. Pahaha!

I promise you I'll throw up on you every night. Writing will keep me sane. Remember fellas, you heard it first from CHARLIE!

That time when...

The other day I happened to catch a little bird. For all the animal loving brothers out there, there is absolutely no need to get naked and cage yourself over it. It was like a sweet accident. It was one if the ten best serendipitous things that are granted to happen in anyones life at moments of sane observation, which btw is rare in our species. We can never be as stupid yet adorable as animals after the first few years of our lives, nor could we be altruistic without some unidentified leprechaun of an agenda like them. That is a different issue. currently I shall panegyrize about this sweet prime-senses-rearranging incident that happening one morning when I saw this little bird on the wrong side of the window pane struggling to escape. Now when I first saw the tiny little guy, it blew my mind away because not only was it not a crow, it was a tiny little humming bird. I mean how often can you feel it strongly in you that out of nowhere, you could lay your filthy hands on a creature that delicate? After it occurred to me that I could perhaps have the privilege of touching the bird or be a lucky motherfucker enough to hold it, I took a good moment to breathe. I don't know about the bird catchers out there but delicate things have a way of controlling my respiration. Which might sound terribly stupid. Anyway, so I finally know for sure that while this little guy is stifling with the glass, super scared and trying every bit it had learned to survive, I could gently hold it in My hand. which I did. Duuuuude. there was never a suitable word/poetry for such feelings that is why you can never really talk shit about the best things in life. All that you CAN write about is mundane. so I am holding this bird in my fist and I feel heartbeat. and all of a beautiful sudden I feel, elated. lifted, even. I'm motherfucking levitating. everything in my life that has ever affected me has come down concentrated in a heartbeat inside my fist. It is crazy how a little humming bird can make your head spin, call me crazy motherfuckers but it was awesome. Hah, the one word, eh? I am holding this bird close to me and i feel the trilling heartbeat and I feel like a giant. I'm the brute who loved the delicate things and was subsumed by them but was cursed enough to hurt them by his mere touch. Yes, that is how I felt. Forget what I said about not being able to write shit. I was the friendly giant holding a tiny bird in my fist and I belonged to it. I wanted to be its friend, I wanted to slave for it. The bird was like some magic that will always run away and come back. It never stays and I was the giant brute with unfriendly hands. Man that moment was so thrilling it could have killed me.For minutes after that I kept still, patting and caressing the bird's tiny, soft head. I didn't talk to it, I didn't kiss it. But just looking at it made the dusting romance inside my head come to life and dance out of me.

I belonged to that bird and insert more philosophical redundance.

:)
  It is 2 in the morning and I am still overwhelmed by something that happened two days back. Way to go tough guy. You're a retard motherfucker.